Every 18th, I look forward to opening those letters.
Yesterday was the first time I wavered in my resolve and opened it 3 days early.
And then, I don't know why, I suddenly felt really angry at myself for trying to cling onto the past when everyone else has already moved on and forgotten.

Eventually these letters are going to end, and then what?
What will I have left to grasp on to?



Blogging has become such a huge part of my life that the moment anything happens, I’ll think of how I should blog about it.
In a way, that’s good isn’t it?
It keeps the memories fresh, in a place where it can never falter.



We try to find solace in the romantic notion that memories can never be replaced.
But can't it really? It can certainly diminish over time, and get tucked away into such a secluded corner of our brains that as time passes, we don’t even remember that it’s there.

Sometimes I really wonder what I've forgotten, if there's any way I can ever retrieve those little moments ever again.



I've always found excuses for my decision to not continue with what I've already learnt, for not making use of the "talent" that I'd already honed over four years.
But the truth is, I want to. I really really want to, but I didn't.
And I know that under all my rationalizations and excuses, the real reason is right there - I didn't want to taint the memories I'd already had.

I've told myself countless times that it can never be the same, ever, but somehow I cling helplessly onto the memories that once were, hopping that one day when we finally meet again, we can go back to our laid-back and spontaneous selves as if nothing had changed.


In a way, I'm afraid to go back, because then the change would be complete.
The ugly truth would stare at me right in the face and there will be no more hiding.
No more pretending that we had something special, no more pretending that all those long hours cooped up together hadn't been the only thing that glued us together in the way that we were.




Perhaps I'm only pretending to care, just so that I don't have to admit that I'm done with this chapter of my life and have moved on.
I want to think that this will be something that I'll hold to my heart for the rest of my life, but really, is that possible?


Memories, in fact, can be replaced because eventually, I'm going to forget you.
And the truth is... you're going to forget me too.